I watch in bewilderment as my husband holds a shaver to his head. To my horror, he begins to cut off his dreadlocks. One by one the mats of long blond hair fall to the floor, along with it the souvenirs that Levi (Matt) had slowly accumulated over the years. Sea glass beads from Halifax, red wooden beads from Ireland, seashells from Spain. Something significant was happening in Levi’s heart, and I could hardly understand it. Levi had just finished going for a run around the block when he had returned home with some new instructions from the Holy Spirit.
“I feel like the Lord spoke to me,” he said in awe. “I feel like God is inviting me to get a job and start a family!”
Levi’s eyes are filled with tears of joy. However, I didn’t feel any joy or excitement. All I could feel was a sense of dread.
“What? God didn’t say anything like that to me!” I reply with confusion. An anxiety was building inside my chest. “That doesn’t make any sense! We’re in the middle of a bike trip around the world!”
It was true. We had been travelling around the world for the past two years. We had left our hometown in Winnipeg, MB and we had been traveling east on bicycles. We spent 5 months cycling across Canada and spent the winter on the east coast in Halifax, NS. Then by nothing short of a miracle, we flew across the Atlantic Ocean to Ireland where we continued on our journey. We spent 40 weeks in the “wilderness”, living on “manna”, travelling across the UK, Spain, and finally, Israel. We were halfway around the world in Jerusalem, when God gave us a new instruction that shocked us. He told us to go home! That’s right. He sent us back home to Winnipeg. I was convinced that this was simply a break from our travels. A short intermission before tackling the other half of the world. But this new instruction to get jobs and start a family? There was no way! Levi must be hard of hearing! He must be confused!
But Levi didn’t look confused. His actions were bold and confident as he shaved his head bare. My heart sank as I watched him from my parent’s kitchen table.
God, this can’t be right. We can’t have kids now! We’re in the middle of a world bike trip! There’s no way I’m getting pregnant and jeopardizing this call on my life. God if this is really you, then you’re gonna have to speak to me too. Otherwise, I’m not agreeing to this. Levi’s nuts!
A few days pass and we receive a surprise visit from friends. Tim and Radica are visiting Winnipeg for a wedding and they’re hoping to see us before returning home. Levi and I met Tim and Radica in Halifax during our bicycle tour. Their daughter Leia and her family were one of the first families to host us in that city. They showed us great hospitality while we were still strangers. And they shared their home with us for a few weeks while we searched for our own housing and jobs. We cherished this family, so Levi and I were excited to have this opportunity to tour them around our city and return the favour in some small way. Tim had a love for history, so we decided to take them to one of our favourite places, The Forks. The Forks is rich in history and heritage. It was essentially the birthplace of our city. Located at the port where the Red River and the Assiniboine River intersect, the grounds were essential for the European fur trade back in the 1800’s. Then in 1880, it became a major railyard to open up transportation into the Western part of Canada, giving Winnipeg the nickname “the Gateway to the West”. The grounds are unique like no other place I’ve visited. The port still exists today, surrounded by bridges and train tracks that are still in use. The old horse stables, which are no longer in use, have been transformed into a market place filled with unique shops and restaurants to explore. When we meet up with Tim and Radica, we show them all our favourite treasures. The skate park where Levi practiced his rollerblade tricks, the mini donut stand, the large centre canopy where we watched so many street musicians and entertainers. The countless beige stone walls across the grounds where we had practiced our parkour and watched the fireworks from in our youth. We ended our tour by walking through some of the shops in the marketplace. Just then, something catches my eye.
“Oh, wow! What a beautiful necklace,” I exclaim as I stare through a glass window looking into one of the shops.
Radica comes to see the necklace too.
“That is a nice one,” she says in agreement.
The necklace was a silver chain with a rather large pendant hanging from it. The pendant was a thin silver bar bent into the shape of a diamond. Then in the centre of this shape, someone had taken some silver wire and twisted it into the shape of a tree. Small colourful gemstones had been beaded onto the top to resemble leaves. It looked very colourful and elegant.
Maybe I should buy this for my mom, I think to myself.
Her birthday was coming up soon and I was keeping an eye out for a good gift. This necklace looked like my mom’s style of jewelry and the tree reminded me of a family tree. The gems looked like birthstones to represent each family member. It seemed like the perfect gift for a mom. Before I can decide whether or not to purchase the necklace, the group continues onto the next shop. I leave the necklace behind and run to catch up. At the end of a long day of touring and sight seeing, we drive Tim and Radica back to their hotel. We give each other hugs and say our goodbyes, but before parting ways Radica reaches into her purse and pulls out a small bag. She casually hands it to me while trying to hide a smile.
“A gift for you.” she says.
“Awe Radica, you didn’t have to.”
I open the delicate paper bag only to reveal the beautiful tree necklace that I had been eyeing up earlier. With some embarrassment, I accept the gift. I don’t have the courage to tell her that I didn’t want the necklace for myself. I only wanted it for my mom. I give her one last hug before we part ways. On the drive home, I take the necklace out of its wrappings and let it rest on the palm of my hand. I’m wondering what to do with it.
I suppose I could save myself a few bucks and re-gift this to my mom, I think to myself. Suddenly, a voice in my heart answers my thoughts.
But Amy, that’s your necklace. I gave it to you.
But I don’t want this necklace! I complain. I don’t like wearing bulky jewelry like this. Besides, it looks too mature for me.
But I called you mature back in Israel. He reminds me. Besides, look more closely at its shape.
I take a closer look at the diamond shape that encloses the tree. When I turn the necklace over, I can see its shape even more clearly. It’s actually not a diamond shape at all, it’s a pentagon. Had there been the letter “S” on the inside of the pentagon it would have looked just like the Superman logo. I suddenly remember that Levi and I often joke that we’re the “Superman Family” because our last name is “Suderman”. “Just flip the p to a d” we’d often say when people asked us how to spell our name. Then it hits me- this is the Suderman Family Tree Necklace.
You see? God responds to my shocked face. This isn’t your mom’s family tree necklace, this is your family tree necklace. I’m inviting you to start a family.
I can’t believe it. It takes me a long minute before I share this news with Levi.
“I told you so!” Levi says with excitement. He takes his eyes off the road for a second to glance at the gifted necklace.
“I guess so…” I admit. I put on the necklace, a little begrudgingly, and let the tree with all its gems rest at the centre of my chest. I’m still not sure if I like this necklace or what it represents. The tree pendant feels heavy and bulky around my neck, as if reminding me of the responsibility and commitment that would undoubtedly come with starting a family. Raising young children, especially if I had more than one, would take years, even decades, of my life. For years I could be stuck at home taking care of kids and managing the home. I wasn’t really sure if that’s what I wanted to do with my life. Besides, wouldn’t God be happier if I didn’t have children? Then my time and energy wouldn’t be divided between serving God and serving my family. Without kids I could dedicate my entire life to serving God and His church. He could send me anywhere. My heart longed to make disciples of all nations, to baptize them in the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. That’s what I wanted to do with my life, and I was pretty sure that’s what God wanted too. I wear the necklace for a little while, but then I stop. For a few weeks the necklace sits untouched on my bedside table. Then one night, I have a dream.
In the dream, I’m standing in my bedroom. My gymnastic’s coach, Robert, is standing at the foot of my bed. His face looks sober. There is pain and disappointment in his eyes. He points to the tree necklace sitting on my bedside table.
“Why aren’t you wearing my necklace?” he asks.
“I know, I’m sorry,” I mumble under my breath. With remorse, I walk over to my bedside table to pick up the necklace and put it on. However, after I pick it up I notice that the necklace has changed. There are now three pendants attached to the chain. On the left side there is a very large purple amethyst stone, on the right side there is a colourful “Suderman” family tree pendant, and in the middle of two, there is a tiny silver cross.
In the dream, I take this strange necklace and I manage to tie it around my neck. But I don’t like the jagged purple stone or the family tree pennant. They are too large and bulky. So I try to push those pendants to the back of my neck, hoping to hide them behind my long hair. For a moment, I can only see the small silver cross. Then to my dismay, gravity works against me and soon the heavy pendants fall back to the front of my neck. They seem to cover up the silver cross completely! Again and again I try to push these large pendants to the back of my neck, only to find them sliding back down the chain to the front and covering up my precious cross. Eventually I become so frustrated in my dream that it wakes me from sleep. I cry out to God in anguish,
“God, you know my heart! All I want is the cross!”
In the darkness He responds,
I don’t mind sharing the space.
My head is sent swirling as my perspective shifts. I thought I knew what God wanted. I thought I understood His heart and priorities. But now I was starting to realize that there was a huge misunderstanding between me and God. I really thought that God wanted me to dedicate my whole life towards global missions and fulfilling the great commission. What could be more important, more noble, more holy? However, it seemed as though God valued family and children far more than I ever could have imagined. He knew that having kids would be a great commitment. He knew that it would take up a lot of my time and energy. And yet, God was okay with that. He didn’t mind sharing the space.
Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him.
Psalm 127:3
As you can imagine, I started wearing the necklace again. I wanted to obey. I wanted to move forward in faith. But my heart was still hard towards the mandate. Not only that, but I still had my doubts. Was this really God’s will? Wasn’t there already a large number of children suffering on the earth? Children who were unloved or orphaned? I knew that God loved all those children deeply. Wouldn’t God be much happier if we adopted? Or if we bought an orphanage somewhere and took care of the children who so desperately needed love? It seemed right in my own mind that if someone wanted to be a parent, then they should look to care for the ones already on the earth. The idea of wanting my own children simply because they shared my DNA sounded selfish and shallow.
During the month of August my family has a special tradition. My parents always book a camping spot at the Falcon Lake campground in Whiteshell Provincial Park. There we have a week of “family camp”. My siblings and I, along with their spouses and children, are welcome to spend a day, a night, or even a week camping with my parents and bonding as a family. I have grown to look forward to this trip every summer. There are certain memories that I look forward to reliving every time I go. Many of these memories are ones that I share with my dad. Like watching my dad cook dinner over an open fire. Or having a swim at the beach. I can always count on my dad to go swimming with me, though it takes him about 20 minutes to get used to the water, which always makes me laugh. I love walking through the campground with him at dusk. We watch the bats zooming above our heads as they hunt for mosquitoes.
Then there’s our midnight stroll. When the sky is dark, my dad will take me by the hand and he’ll walk me to the beach. Then we’ll stargaze together. Last but not least, it’s not a family camping trip without a day of fishing on my dad’s boat. My dad was an avid fisherman. He’d been perfecting his craft since I was a child. Going fishing with my dad was always exciting as he knew so many good fishing spots and he knew all the best lures and techniques to ensure a good catch. This year, my dad took me to Caddy Lake to fish for some Master Angler crappies. We fished together for a while, but the fishing was slow and the sun was hot, so I put my rod down and decided to sunbathe instead. I kick up my bare feet onto the side of the boat and take in my surroundings. The beautiful calm lake stretches out ahead of me, along with clear blue skies. Dividing the two blue masses is a wall of dense treeline. The playful leaves of the aspen and birch trees wave at me from afar, and the gentle breeze carries with it the faint smell of pine. My dad quietly fishes beside me, patiently waiting for a bite. I take out my bible and begin to read. I haven’t read for very long before I sense a quiet voice speaking to me.
Do you think your dad is excited for you to have kids?
I glance at my dad for a moment. The answer is obvious.
Yes, of course he is.
Am I not your Father? God asks me. Has it ever occurred to you that I am extremely excited for your children?
When I hear these words, it’s accompanied by an emotion that’s not my own. I feel this immense sense of joy, anticipation, and excitement coursing through my body. It’s as if I can feel God’s deep desire for my children. He was longing for them!
I sat in complete shock, trying to process the strong emotions. I knew that God loved all the little children of the world, but it had never occurred to me that God loved MY children. Even before they were born, He knew them and loved them. It was as if there were these little Suderman children hidden in his heart. God was so excited to create them. He had so many plans for their lives! God couldn’t wait for my children to be on the earth, where they would have their own personal relationships with their Creator and they’d live out their own faith journeys with God, where He walked alongside them. This vision brought so much joy to the Lord’s heart, it was as if he was singing.
The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing.
Zephaniah 3:17
I couldn’t say no anymore. After God opened his heart to me and shared his deep desire for my children, I wanted nothing more than to give him the desire of his heart. It was time to step out in faith and have children. It was time to be a mom. It was time to walk into this season called “Motherhood”. There was just one thing left to do, well, two things. The first was to tell Levi. He obviously didn’t need any convincing to do his part. The second thing I needed to do was call my best friend Krista. I obviously needed to share this news with another girl. We gushed and awed together as I told her all about the necklace God had given me, the dream, and finally the experience on the fishing boat with my dad. It was all very beautiful and romantic. Something I felt only another girl would fully appreciate.
“I’m still a little worried about something.” I admit to my friend.
“What’s that?” Krista asks curiously.
“It’s this necklace God gave me.”
“What about it?”
“You know how I said the leaves on the tree remind me of birthstones?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, this tree has seven coloured stones.”
We both pause.
“That’s a big family,” Krista admits.
“You don’t think God meant that literally do you? It’s probably just symbolic, right?
“Well, I guess we’ll find out soon enough.” Krista says with a laugh.
“Oh brother,” I say with a sigh. “Don’t scare me like that!”
The end.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Psalm 139: 14-16
(The Spencer family): Leia, ?, Logan, Corbin, Gavin, Tim, and Radica.
Fishing with my parents.